Sunday, December 26, 2010

My Eclipse Commentary

I hope everyone had a very wonderful Christmas and that Santa brought you everything you asked for.

Edward was not under my tree so I'm guessing he was with one of you.

So after my family Christmas festivities last night I came home and decided (while a bit drunk off whiskey balls, like the cookie rum balls but made with top shelf whiskey because of a lack of rum, gotta love my uncle) that I would watch Eclipse and do my own commentary. Last night I thought my commentary could rival Rob and Kristen's but in the light of day I realized it's funny and worthy of posting but not on the same level as Rob and Kristen.

So here it goes....

Kassie's Eclipse Commentary

Scummit you brought me Twilight and Remember me. Twilight mostly the way I'd like it, but other than that I hate you!

Why is Victoria so rough with Riley. Bite him be done with it. Guess she's still got a little too much James in her.

Bella an English final really!?! You're not going to college what do you give a shit about studying for? Make out with Edward damn it!

Mmmmm sparkly Edward

Run to Vegas..... screw a 4pm curfew

Bella should have made it a point to start walking to the Rez. Edward had no right to disable her truck! I would have stomped down the street.

Why is Jasper still in high school? Aren't he and Rosalie 'twins' she graduated already. Did he get held back? lol

I love when Charlie says "Wait there's two tickets, super, that makes me real happy." bwahahahaha

Renee's speech about he moves you move he'd take a bullet for you reminds me of the Bruno Mars song grenade

Congraduation! Epic writing fail MR!!!

One of the patches on Bella's quilt looks a bit like the Cullen crest

Run Lola Run... oops I mean Victoria

Emmett noooooo! Wet Kellan oooooo yeah! Stupid Paul!

Edward should be like "Hey Bella you leave with Jake now... don't bother coming back I won't be waiting for you." He's just too understanding

I love the wolf pack picking on Jake

Do you want to know what imprinting is Bella? I don't think you do especially once you have your baby.

Bella has never once to me knowledge worn a red plaid shirt. Why didn't they use the purple one from the meadow scene?

Why do the Cullen's discount all the theories on the intruder, who else could it be if not Victoria or the Volturi

Yeah Edward you mark your territory with that kiss

Third wife scene=boooooooring

Why is Kristen's face so impassive ALL THE TIME? It's like furrow your brows or something seriously. 

The Cullens a too calm all the time. They whisper a lot too. So annoying. Get mad there is an army out to get you for god's sake!

Wow Edward insensitive much! "Everyone you know will be dead." What's with everyone and the guilt trips on Bella. From Edward to Jake to Charlie it's like never ending whether it's intentional or not.

If Jake knows he will imprint (and it hasn't happened with Bella) why does he try so hard to win her from Edward. It's instantaneous so it should have happened the first time they saw each other after their 'movie date'

Why does Charlie hate Edward so much is it bc of the shitty first date, the fateful trip to Phoenix, Edward leaving her behind, the impromptu trip to Italy... or is it really because he wants her with Jake and is using those excuses to hold a grudge... It's probably his failed relationship with Renee.

Charlie is fuckhawt, owns handcuffs, owns guns and rocks the stash. How is it possible he's still single?

If Bella never get's pregnant in BD how long would Edward have put off Bella's change?

Back to the Cullens why oh why are they so fucking depressed after NM? I mean EVERYONE except the high school humans (not Bella) and the wolf pack (not Jake) are all whispers and have tiny tiny smiles and facial expressions. WTF people get laid or something.

Is Edward a priest or minister? No one really gives that big a shit about souls. Go with the flow man. Embrace the dao.

Why couldn't they do a kiss flash forward? They could have made Bella and Jake 20/30 somethings with kids. They didn't have to be tales from the crypt guy old. Come ON! I feel gypped.

Why are Royce's 'friends' all so freaking OLD in the movie? (Side Note: Rosalie kicks ass and I would have done the same thing she did for revenge but maybe been more gruesome like what Edward does to Mike in the fic Wicked Angel read it, it's awesomely disturbing)

Kristen's commentary about Nikki crying. Vampires don't cry per se but their venom can pool creating the illusion of crying, right Steph?

Xavier is fuckhawt, that is all

I love the way Jane dresses. I want her Forks/Seattle hooded outfit

What. The. Fuck. is Bella wearing at the graduation party? Long sleeved blue button down, I guess Alice didn't get a say. Although her party outfit isnt much better

Rose and Emmett always have the best wardrobe period

Can you have sex with an accent bc I'd soooo do Jasper's lol

Is it wrongthe vampire practice fighting is sexy to me. I don't know how Bella stopped from humping Edward in the middle of the field

One way a human army can defeat a vampire army two words... Flame Thrower

The Jasper flashbacks make my inner history nerd hot! In a slutty way ;)

How often do vampires bathe? 

When dream Jasper attacks Bella he reminds me of the Dark Knight Joker

The argument about Edward and Bella staying out of the fight is one of the best acted with the proper emotional features and speech between Rob and Kristen (she always acts best when Rob isn't in the scene in my opinion)

When Taylor says 'pack' you can clearly hear his Midwestern accent. Woot woot! Go Midwest

The "I'm a virgin' scene is the funniest most awkward scene ever. "Oh Edward do it to me old school." LMFAO

Seems to me the only reason someone said yes to a proposal was to get her freak on. Seriously its like "no.. no.. no.. oh you'll have sex with me once we're married, hell yes!"

Why can Victoria and Riley have sex out of wedlock?

Doesn't Bella have a thing against blood? In NM and Eclipse she's like meh whateves

Why wouldn't Victoria look for Edwards scent to track him... stupid vampires not figuring that one out and giving Edward a wolf escort to the campsite

I don't really like the tent scene anymore. It's kinda boring and too much Jake time for me

Bella it's cold first thing after in the morning after a snowstorm, where is your jacket young lady?

Jake and Bella kiss part II is proof why guys and girls can't be best friends. He's always a horny dog that wants to get in her pants. (Side Note: You're engaged you hussy!)

Fight scene is a smidge too fast. Should have been in slow mo more often. Its worse in IMAX, too big a screen to see teh wole thing even from the back row

I love Riley's line "You're dead." it's delivered perfectly

Is it just me or is Victoria's death a bit anticlimactic.


Carlisle never looks more unkempt than after the fight and Edward looks a bit too clean even though he was rolling around on the ground with Victoria

Even after reading Bree Tanner I don't really feel bad when she dies

I'm sensing some Paul/Leah sexual tension grrrrr

Enough with the guilt Jake. She chose, it's not you. Build a bridge and get the fuck over it

Why doesn't Bella want to go to college at all?

She has felt death, loss, and pain in Edward world? What??? Who died that she cared about, sure she lost Edward but she got him back-enough bitching, pain okay so maybe being bitten by James hurt a little

"It's a good thing you're bullet proof.""I'm gonna need that ring." good lines!

Glad DS didn't do the wedding!!!

The End

Thanks for reading my commentary. If you've seen the movie enough, which I think you have, my blathering should make sense :)

Is there anything you noticed in the movie that really gets to you that you think should be mentioned? Let me know in the comments.


  1. Kassie, funny stuff.
    The thing I find the oddest is when Bella walks up to the Cullen's for the "sleep over" and Edward opens the door all concerned asking "what are you doing...?" It's obvious they must have edited out a scene of her sitting in the truck planning ways to seduce him and he comes out to see what's taking her so long to ring the bell..., now that should have made the cut! So where is that scene? It wasn't on the deleted ones.
    But all in all I want to like these films even with all their flaws. Let's face it, even the books had lots of flaws but in the end, it gave us Rob,ff. and EP. So alls well that ends well.

  2. Flame Thrower. LMAO

    You are not the only one who thought the fight practice was hawt. My hubby tried to slow motion Alice practicing to get a better view of her upside down with legs spread during her cartwheel.

    The first scene bothered me. She is in a meadow with Edward that wants to make out and all Bella cares about is studying? ` WTF

  3. @Fran you are right... Bella could have at least paced for a moment, that would have given the illusion she was contemplating whether to go in or not. Sometimes the simplest solutions are the easiest to overlook.

    @TwitardedMom your hubby watched Eclipse??? you lucky gal lol.
    The first scene get's to me bc she isn't even planning on going to college and frick I'm sure if she even half assed it she would probably still pass with a B lmao!

  4. I felt like I was right there with you while reading your commentary! Maybe that's because I HAVE been right there with you for your hilarious commentary. I am so glad you captured it in print for us.
    I don't know if the rest of you guys know this, but Kassie was THE LIFE of the Eclipse party.....just sayin.
    Love ya babes!

  5. Thanks Marie aw shucks I'm a little embarrassed now hehehe

    ILY too girlie


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